Here We Go...

Holy. Shit. Y'all, it's hit me over the last couple days that I'm going to be moving in four months. Four. Months. I've lived here my whole life, I've never lived away from home for more than a couple weeks at a time while house sitting. What the hell am I doing? Don't get me wrong, I have never been more excited about anything, but I am terrified.

I won't know anyone, I'll be totally dependent on myself for the first time...I hate myself for openly admitting this, but I'll be paying rent for the first time ever. Really, it's the first time I'll actually 100% going to have to act like a responsible adult. I'm capable, yes, I just...have never really had to think about it before.

I've played with my budget for the next few months. Did some math. I can save upward of 10 grand between now and October 1, with another thousand hitting my account in mid-October from the firm (cutoff dates screw up everything, but the timing on that money will be really good). That's a solid amount of money to give me a cushion to get moved and find a home and well, it'll just get me where I need to be and I'll have some savings and that's what I want.

I've pretty much got the entire summer figured out. It really consists of work and attempting to hang out a little more with my friends before I move away and leave them here. JD is coming in about three weeks for my grad and my cousin's wedding, and the next time I see him after that is likely to be in September if and when we plan a Van trip so I can find somewhere to live.

Clearly, I've thought this through. Clearly, all of the details are not there yet, but it's too soon for that anyway. Clearly, I am not going to remain sane through this little endeavor.

Wish me luck!

The Times, They are A'Changin'

Wonderful Things That Have Happened in my Life

-NEW CAR! I got my 2011 Chevy Cruze three weeks ago and it is awesome

-done school! My practicum is over, my grad ceremony is in June

-new job! The firm did indeed hire me for the summer

-(essentially) debt free! I'm not including my car loan because I have more than enough money to cover the payments, insurance, etc. It's not emptying my bank account and for the next 5 months I'll be making about $3000/month (my expenses total roughly $500/month). You do the math.

-boyfriend! Arrival in T-2 hours and counting. I have not seen him since January. Excitement is an understatement.

It's kind of nice that everything is working. I've been working my ass off for the last year to get myself to this point and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm going to sign off by being a dork and quoting The A-Team.

I love it when a plan comes together.

Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End

I'll be done classes in a week. Not only that, I'll be done finals in a week. I am that close. A week on Monday, I'll start my practicum. Excitement doesn't begin to describe what I'm feeling. I finally feel like everything I've been working towards is falling so perfectly into place. The office I'm going to for my practicum is exactly what I wanted - it's big, mostly litigation, and has an office in the city I want to move to. The HR manager told me I am all but guaranteed a job for the summer - from May to the end of September. I was planning to move in September. I can push it to the beginning of October, it fits right in with my timeline. I can keep my retail job so yeah, I'll be doing 60 hour work weeks but it's all means to an end.

The only thing not going as I had hoped was my car situation. I've been driving my mom's 2001 Pontiac Grand Prix. It's a great car, and it's got almost 325000 kms on it. That kind of mileage and it's got most of it's original parts (including the windshield, which has seen better days). It has two leaks in the engine - one at the intake valve for the radiator, which means it's leaking coolant, as well as a slow oil leak. The fan (heater - it's winter and has been hitting -30 Celsius lately) works only intermittently. And last week the ABS and traction control both failed. Amazingly, the car is still driveable but it is definitely sketching me out. My dad and I are looking into my new Cruze I just don't know how I'm going to afford it. But I know my parents will help me, especially since I've been planning on buying my own car and I would be doing this on my own if the timing weren't so crappy. I'm just not making enough money yet, and won't be for another 6 weeks (give or take a little).

I am so close. Between everything I just mentioned, plus the fact that I can all but see spring (it is March, after all) my entire outlook on things has changed significantly. I can do this. My relationship will (hopefully, God I hope) be okay, for just another few months and I can finally make it a real, same city, actual relationship where we see each other as much as we want.

I've almost made it and man, does it feel good.

Hair Wars

So. I live on a horse farm. This, of course, means that we have more than just horses running around. At least they're outside/in the barn. A separate building. Their hair can be avoided. We have, however, two cats living in that barn. They're sweet little tabby things and they are very very cuddly and lovable but of course this means they shed all over your clothes and then you come in the house and bring said cat hair with you.

But wait! It gets better! We also have, living in the main house, three cats (yes, three, it's ridiculous, really, but they were all strays...ok, one from the SPCA but that still counts, and well, there are five people living here so it's not just me turning into a 22 year old crazy cat lady) and they shed like it's going out of style or something. And best yet, we have two dogs. Not neat little non-shedding breeds that like to cuddle without turning your black pants the color of fur. No no. One, my sweet little Harmony, is a Golden Retriever (a breed about which I cannot say enough good things. I love her. She is amazing) and Bear (I call him Behemoth or Diablo, depending on the day) is a 110 pound solid muscle Bernese Mountain dog. So yes, fur abounds around here. No amount of vacuuming will ever rid us of it all. Save me from the pet hair.

You know it's been a slow, kind of sad weekend when you expound on pet hair for no apparent reason.

I think I'm simply trying to distract myself from the epic sad failure that seems to be my life lately. I cannot deal with it, people. Need people to come home, need school to end, and most of all NEED MONEY so that I can move away from this place.

I don't like it here. I don't like the weather, I don't like most of the people, and I really don't like that it seems to have turned me into this whiny little pain in the ass who can't seem to find something happy to focus on (Hi! I'm Sparky! I complain!) UGH.

That being said, one more month and I'll be in my practicum and I really am almost there but JESUS this -30 weather is keeping me housebound and lonely and some days I think I should just find a therapist and be done with it already.

I make such good impressions on people, I know. If you stayed with me this far, please, get yourself a cookie. Or some cake. Ooh, or creme brulee. Yup, it's lunchtime.

**Dear Agony - Breaking Benjamin**

Let Me Explain

No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

This has been a really, really terrible month. If I could go back two years and give past me some advice, it would be to suck up the crippling fear of rejection and say something to JD like, the second time we hung out. Waiting to get together until two weeks before he moved home...not wise. See, if I'd said something, maybe the whole moving home thing could've been...I don't know, rearranged? And yes, I am a horribly selfish person for even THINKING it, let alone saying it out loud but God, it's been almost two years and these days I just feel like my heart is breaking a little bit at a time. Like by the time I'm done things here and we're finally able to be together, we'll both be so tired of everything that it will all just...fall apart.

Don't do long distance relationships. He's worth it but...it's just hard.

Tomorrow's my last day of school before Reading Week and great dear God I am excited. I only have to work 4 out of the 9 days, and two of those shifts are only four hours long. I plan to do a whole lot of nothing for most of it, sleep and play video games. I'll probably clean the house at the end of that week, because by then it'll be less than a week till my parents come home (did I mention they're in Scottsdale? Yeah, they have desert and warmth and sunshine and we...we have -22 degrees celsius) and I don't want my mom to have to deal with...this. I went all Molly Maid a little bit before grocery shopping last weekend and I cleaned out the fridge and freezer, which REALLY needed to be done. And I remembered to take the garbage out on Tuesday morning (again in the bitter fucking cold) and I think my mom would be so proud. Now if I can just remember to take care of my damn car, and get this assignment done for school tomorrow (assignment due in thirteen and a half hours. No, I haven't started. Yes, I am a good student, why do you ask?).

If we didn't have horses I wouldn't have a problem taking care of things on my own. Minus the fact that the giant Bernese mountain dog discovered he can jump the fence and now we can't keep him in the yard and we can't leave him alone in the house because he'll destroy anything and everything he can get his teeth on (he ate at least two loaves of bread and broke the teapot in a span of like three days). My little Retriever is awesome though, best dog ever. Again, though, she can't be left alone all day but that's because she's 9 and a half and her little bladder just isn't capable of holding out that long.

I don't want to go into the last few weeks. They've been cold and depressing and lonely. At least, after reading week, I will have two and a half weeks until finals. Three weeks until my practicum starts. I am almost there. I graduate in four months.

I miss my mommy.

Snow, So Very Much Snow

Okay, so, you'd think, living where I do, I'd be used to snow, right? Well, I am. But being used to it and enjoying it are two different things.

I don't know anyone who enjoys driving through a foot or two of snow, cowering behind the wheel and praying to anything and everything that you don't have to pass someone because you KNOW you'll end up in the ditch.

Out here because of the drifts the snow is three feet deep or more in places.

We're expecting another 15 centimeters this weekend.

I can't wait to move.

Oh Crap

I forgot...I have no willpower. And I think I'm some kind of sadomasochist. Either that or I just hate myself for some reason known only to the universe.

So, ask me, did I eat yesterday? No, not really. I had a couple handfuls of chips and a glass or two of fruit punch. In my defence, I was not even remotely hungry. It's been a really long and stressful and sad week and I take my emotions out on my appetite. Then today started...40 minutes late...and between taking care of the animals and showering and getting my ass out the door to catch the bus I may have kinda sorta skipped breakfast.

Did you know that when you deprive your body of nutrition for a day it will tell you in a not so subtle way to fuck right off? Yes, it does. In my case, it lets me get halfway to the bus stop before informing me that it's going to abuse me the way I have abused it. I started feeling faint about halfway through my five minute drive but I figured that was just the stupid early wake up time and it would pass and I'd be fine. And I was. For about another three minutes. I parked my car and sat down on the bus and we got moving. And I started feeling sick. As in sweating, hypersalivating, Iamgoingtothrowupohgodohgod sick. On public transit. I made it downtown before I started retching. But, since I skipped breakfast, I could do nothing more than dry heave. Classy, I know.

I walked the last six blocks to school. In what I think was about -20 Celsius, give or take. The sad part is, I was running so hot I think the weather was saving my life. Or at least keeping me conscious.

The worst part about feeling like hell like that is that you don't want to eat. But you need to, because your body is so starved that your blood sugar is totally fucked and if you don't eat you'll get sicker. But because you feel sicker you don't want to eat. Worst. Vicious cycle. EVER.

I forced down half a bagel during my first class, and some apple juice, and started feeling a bit better. Then I started feeling pukey again. So I skipped lunch. Yes, sadomasochist. So now I'm home and I've had a pizza pocket and some coke and it seems to be sitting okay but I don't know if I should brave eating or not...I probably should just say the hell with it and eat and see what happens.

Is there some kind of eating disorder where you don't consciously starve yourself or make yourself throw up? Or some kind of metabolic disorder/GI disease/food allergy/whatever that causes things like this? Or am I just a moron?

I'm going with moron.