I'm struggling.

For something to write about, something to focus on, some way to get through these days.

They all just seem so pointless.

This is not where I want to be.

Lost

Well, I used to be, at least. And I hit rock bottom, and then I sank a little lower, and then things started getting better.

Things always get better.

Right?

Good, Old Fashioned Rant

Because I need to get this off my chest and I really don't have anyone to talk to.

I hate feeling so fucking isolated. It's kind of self imposed really but the problem is that I just have a hard time caring anymore. I don't enjoy the company of the people I used to and frankly I would rather spend the night alone by myself with a movie and my laptop than I would with other people. I miss my boyfriend severely, having not seen him in over a month (37 days to be precise) and that's wearing me down too. I just discovered there's virtually no chance of seeing him till Reading Week - in FEBRUARY. I said goodbye to him at the airport on August 31. Does anyone else see the problem here? It hurts enough to be away for a couple months, but five and a half? Am I strong enough for that? It doesn't help that he's getting sick and so I know he's going to be kind of out of it for a few days and I can't be there to bring him soup and be the cheesy girlfriend that just wants him to get better. I wish school were done so I could just move out there and be done already, this distance is seriously ruining me. And it's not that I don't think he's worth it, because I do. We've made it through almost a year and a half and if you total it up, we've had...let's see...six weeks actually together? Maybe? Something like that. It's rough, and I spend a lot of time missing him and I'm just tired. I'm tired of feeling alone, like I'm missing something, like someone punched a hole in my chest and tore my heart out and is holding it hostage. I hate this city and I'm tired of living here, I don't want to be here anymore. In all honesty, I can sum it up in four words: I am not happy. I know how to be, and there are things that make me happy for moments at a time, but as a whole I'm not happy with my current situation. There are just too many things I would like to change.

First and foremost, I'd like to stop randomly bursting into tears for no real reason. There's no shoulder for me to cry on anyway.

The Monday Abolishment Movement

I've always been what an ex-boyfriend of mine referred to as a Garfield-girl. No, he was not calling me pudgy or catlike, instead he was referring to my aversion to Monday mornings. As long as I can remember, I have hated Mondays. It's not like they even make a difference to me, now, seeing as how I work on Sundays so Monday doesn't even mark the end of my weekend. I simply always have and, likely, always will, hate Mondays.

When I was little, I started a petition to do away with Mondays. I found it when I was packing to move when I was about ten years old. I laughed at the childish writing, the flawed grammar, and the simple idea of abolishing Mondays.

And then I wrote up a new petition.

I'm not entirely sure what my plan was once this petition of mine had been signed (by every adult IN THE WORLD because clearly they had nothing better to do and the logistic issues with this idea be damned), but I'm sure it probably involved the United Nations, meetings, new legislation, and one less day in the week.

....I was an odd child.

Now here I am, eleven years later, wondering if the ten year old me had it right. Let's get rid of Mondays. Nobody really needs them, do they? And I swear they hate me (like today, I finally managed to catch the bus on time without going like a bat out of hell from my house to the bus station, only to realize that I had absolutely no reason to come to my 8 am class. I COULD STILL BE SLEEPING). (I miss sleeping.)

But then, I guess, that would make Tuesday the new Monday and thus, the most hated day of the week and since Tuesdays have never caused me any offence, I cannot wish this gross injustice upon them.